I didn't know I couldn't do that

So as my son gets older, I find myself cracking down on his rude behavior - which is difficult because his wisecracking dad is also rude and thinks its hilarious when Daniel is too.

And OK,  I admit it, I think they are both pretty darn funny.

But Daniel's only seven and doesn't know when to stop.

However, when I reprimand him, even gently, it ends in tears.

My latest discussion involved me explaining to him that I would not tolerate a rude son, and I was prepared to hand out tough consequences in order to help him learn to be polite.

Yes, there were tears.

And then a confession by Daniel:

"Please don't be mad mom, but I guess you will be - I peed in the trash can."

I never know what I'm supposed to say to something like that - "thanks for being honest, don't do it again"
or maybe, "why on earth would you do that?" or "you mean the trashcan right next to the toilet?!!"

I have to be really careful how I respond to him because of his anxiety. But in this case, I just laughed.
I don't think that's going to discourage him from doing it again.

So, instead I made a point of telling him in great detail, all the places where he is not allowed to pee. I'm hoping to avoid another one of those "oh, you never told me I couldn't do that" moments.

We'll see.

An open letter to my husband on Father's Day

I went to the card store last week to buy a Father's Day card. I bought a card for my grandfather, and two for my father. I bought birthday cards for several relatives, but I couldn't find a single card that I liked for you. Not from me, not from Daniel. Maybe the perfect card was in the Spanish section, but I took Latin, so I don't know. Veni vidi vacuus manus manus. (I came, I saw, I left empty-handed)

I wanted something funny, but not slapstick. Something that says – “I'm so glad you married me, because when I think back on all those other losers I dated, it makes me cringe.” Not too romantic, but heartfelt nonetheless. Maybe something with a  de Kooning on the front.

Happy Father's Day to My Husband – I'm so glad I never married that moody guy from college. Damn, I love you!

 

Something that showed just how happy a nut-job can be when paired with a truly kind and brilliant person. Maybe something that joked about what the offspring of said nut-job and benevolent genius would be like.

 

Happy Father's Day to my Husband – Thank god our kid has only half of my genes. Otherwise he'd be a complete basket-case. Thanks for the DNA! Damn, I love you!

 

I wanted to tell you that at the end of the day, after Daniel is in bed, I still love to talk to you. That I'm grateful for all the discussions of art and music and technology and innovation that we've had, each one going on and on like a school girl's sleepover.

I don't think there is another human being who “handles” me as well as you do, and slowly, through all of your steadfast ignoring of my bad behavior, I have become calmer and kinder.

 

Happy Father's Day – You are the light of my life. I don't know what I would do without you. I still remember how sweet you were before we were married and you sent me chocolate every week. Those were wonderful, heady days. Especially the chocolate part. Why no more chocolate? I still love you...send chocolate!

.

It hasn't been easy, being Daniel's father and my husband all at once. Either one of us alone would make the average guy run screaming from the room, or punch holes in the wall. You, bless your heart, have done neither. Many times you have been the only calm one in the room and you have managed to talk both of us down from our existential cliffs.

We both love to go to museums with you. We both love to talk about inventions with you. We both love to be with you. You are the ballast that keeps us steady. And within that steadiness wonderful things are able to develop.

I know you don't care about cards. I know you don't care if the presents are wrapped. And I know that the fact that you don't care about those things has nothing to do with you not caring.

So, I hope you don't mind, if there is no card this year, only my rambling on and on, on a public blog. And I hope you don't mind that the presents aren't wrapped, and we didn't make anything fancy for dinner. I opted instead for a non-scream-y holiday in which we ignore the traditions set forth by Hallmark and simply hang out and have a nice time together.

Happy Father's Day.

 

 

And then we took a shower

After we put Daniel on the bus this morning, my husband and I went to the gym.

We don't exactly work out together, but we ARE in the same building - sweating.

I hang out in the weight room, because that's where all the guys are, and he hangs out in the 2-minute-on-every-machine room, or whatever they call it. I think he hangs out there because that's where all the chicks are - He says it's because they gave him a blue card....whatever.

It doesn't matter, because at 8 am it's just a bunch of geezers healthy-living older folks there anyway. And us. My husband and I. And we are in no way healthy-living OR old. Never-mind what Daniel says. I am not old! Look at my too tight Threadless t-shirt. NOT OLD!

Right. Uh.

So as we were walking out of the gym this morning, my husband was giving me the run-down of all the machines he had done. I was mostly not listening because I had to focus on keeping my spaghetti-legs in line so that I didn't trip on the way to the car - because he would definitely laugh at me if I fell.

But then he mentioned the Elliptical machine, which made me start listening to him again because I hate that machine so much.

And I told him:

"I hate that machine. I can't use it. I've tried, but five minutes into it my brain goes all crazy and starts screaming, YOU'RE RUNNING BACKWARDS! GET OFF! GET OFF! I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING, GET OFF THIS DAMN MACHINE!"

And he laughed at me like he always does and said:

"You should totally blog that."