so... the visit

Oh, before I start kvetching about my mom, let me just say that while I thought I was just going in for a "consultation" with the doctor, I actually ended up having an EKG. I made the mistake of mentioning that I hadn't been to the doctor in a VERY long time and now he has ordered what appears to be every single test that is available in New Jersey at this time. I'm hoping that he's just ruling out any medical reason for high-anxiety, but  we'll see what the outcome of all this testing is.

(Seriously, I had 6 vials of blood drawn today, I have a stress test on Friday and next week I've got a bone density test, a breathing test, an echocardiogram, and an abdominal ultrasound. I mean.... REALLY)

Ok, back to my parent's visit:

The week before they came I started taking my "little friend" everyday, which made everybody happy. No, really my husband even commented on how much of a bitch I WASN'T being. Not only that, I was a much calmer mother to my son, not crabby at all. So the build up to their visit was certainly as frantic as usual, but not nearly as gut-wrenching.

My brother and his family came early and it was nice to spend time with them without my parents around. Everytime I see my brother, he's usually being an asshole to his wife, but it turns out that everytime I see my brother, my parents are there. Which is to say that he was actually pretty well behaved before my parents arrived. And he's also a dad now too, so that might be a factor as well.

But as soon as my parents arrived my brother became the bratty 12-year old and my mother started rolling her eyes and mouthing obnoxious remarks about my sister-in-law. She's mad at them, and she made that fact known abundantly.

I tried very hard to stay in the middle of the action as much as possible, because as soon as I was alone she would come up to me and bad-mouth my sister-in-law. It was awful to listen to, but the drugs helped. She also had a crying jag outside because she was not allowed to dominate every conversation.

It could have been worse. I might have been worse actually, but I didn't notice because I was too busy being calm.

.

Oh and my kid? Was awesome. No sensory issue meltdowns, and he was very sweet with his baby cousin.

I'm just very happy it's all over.

I forgot how to write

Well, not really, but I got out of the habit of sitting down and making time for writing.

I'm still here.

I'm going to my doctor's appointment in a few minutes.

Actually, they are calling it a "consultation". So I'm trying to convince myself that it will be much easier than an actual "visit", and thus I have no reason to worry.

I'm not actually believing myself though, and I am very worried.

One might even say "anxious". Which might just bolster my plea for anxiety medication.

It's bizarre in a way that I have this fear that the Dr. won't give them to me. Aren't Americans completely over-medicated? Everyone I talk to is on something.

But as my mom has been wont to tell me, "That may be fine for some people, but not for you."

I believe she was talking about being able to switch jobs/ careers, but I think it still fits.

You know, as in - you don't deserve to feel good about yourself.

And now I'm getting anxious that I'm going to be late for my "consultation", so I'll fill you in later on how that parental visit went and all the other craziness around here.

lessons learned from TV

Way back in '94 I moved down to Greenwich Village to share an apartment with  Howard, my then fiance. We were both in grad school, and our apartment was a fifth floor walk-up in the heart of the Village. 

Such a small space.

With three large windows, and no cross-breeze.

It got so very hot in that apartment. I can appreciate that heat now, sitting in my cold house wrapped in sweater and slippers. But back then walking up the five flights to the apartment was like performing a strip-tease. By the time we reached the door I was down to a tank top and shorts and bare feet, no matter how cold it was outside.

Moving in with my fiance stirred up some issues for me that I didn't even know I had. For instance it was really important to me that the apartment be clean, all the time. Which is really weird, because I'm fairly slovenly and quite lazy. So the end result of this new NEED of mine was that I was a tremendous cranky bitch all the time.

At some point, probably when Howard realized just how enormous a mistake he had made by proposing to me,  he told me that he didn't expect me to keep everything neat and tidy. 

It was one of those "huh" moments for me. Because if I wasn't doing it for him, then where was this maniacal urge coming from?

After years of contemplating, I finally figured it out. It came from my fictitious childhood. You know, the one that involved June Cleavor and Laura Petrie and Mrs. Cunningham? Except that by trying to recreate the calm and clean homes of TV I was acting like my own mother, who also kept a spotlessly clean home, but was never calm or smiling.

I've nearly gotten over my hang-ups about having a clean house.

But in the same way that I had wanted to conform to this TV ideal, I now see myself longing for the same notion of "normalcy" in my son. Taking him to school in the morning, imagining that the other children don't deal with the anxiety or other hang-ups that are part of our routine. Imagining that somehow, their lives are easier because of this.

Except that, just like with June Cleavor, the idea that a child can "act normal" is simply a social construct. There isn't a "normal" person in my whole family.  My husband and I are both odd-balls, so it is only natural for Daniel to be odd as well.

And even though there are things that Daniel does that I would like to change, I think in my heart it is his "odd-ness" that I love the most.

Maybe I just need to start watching some differnt TV shows... or stop watching TV altogether.

Three things

Thing one:

I had a nice visit with my friend. And now it's over.

It's hard to have friends that live so far away, and yet it seems like that's a real pattern in our lives.

Although.... now that we have the house, it is so much easier to have house guests, which means that we get to spend more time just hanging out, instead of having quick, intense, activity-laden visits.

I miss her.

I miss knowing that she was just a few miles away, and if I needed her or she needed me, we could get together pretty easily.

But I liked having her here for a few days.

I can't wait until we do it again.

Thing two:

I'd like to keep the drama in my life down to a minimum this Fall. But if I succeed, maybe I won't have anything to write about?

As if I could actually keep the drama down just by willing it so!

funny.

Thing two point five:

My parents are away right now, and that always makes me feel like I could possibly have a normal life. But then they always come back.

They must be busy, because my mother usually makes it a point to call me during her vacations and tell me in detail what she has eaten at every meal. What it looked liked, how it tasted, how nice, negligent, rude the waiters were, and how much it cost.

So far no phone calls. I hope I haven't jinxed it.

And might I say a hearty hallelujah that she only does that during her vacations. Because each of those food-obsessed phone calls makes just a few of my brain cells wither up and die.

Thing three:

This weekend I am going to bake, (from scratch!) cupcakes for a birthday party. I know, I know, cupcakes are so easy, all of you with the domestic know-how say.

But I am not what they call a"baker", or a "cook".

I am able to open boxes and cans and heat the contents to the recommended temperature...usually.

But the bakery I used last year that made such delicious lemonade cupcakes has closed down, and the only other bakery I like charges $3.50 per cupcake.

That's $70 for cupcakes for 20 kids.

That's nearly a day's salary for me....for cupcakes.

Poverty is the mother of... uh... baking?

I can make 30 cupcakes out of stuff I already have in my cabinet. That's practically free! Plus I get to lick the frosting spoon until my eyes roll back in my head from sugar overload.

So I'm going to attempt to make my own lemonade cupcakes with lemon frosting this Saturday. In my own kitchen in my own house. And they will be organic and delicious and I will not drop them on the way to the party.

The end.