You are all very sweet...

What I didn't say yesterday, was how I've always had anxiety issues, and whether it is nature or nurture I don't know, but the fact of the matter is that I have always been "hooked-up funny".

All the women in my family take anti-anxiety meds, except for my mother who likes to use her anxiety as a tool to make others miserable.

I don't know why yesterday was such an over-the-top day for me. I don't really know why my panic attack mode went on infinite-loop. I've dealt with eye-twitches and stomach-issues and head-aches that go on and on because of my anxiety, but the racing heart and jitteriness doesn't usually last all day long.

Of course, if you have symptoms caused by anxiety, and those symptoms start to freak you out and make you more anxious... well, I'm sure you can figure out the rest.

All this is my way of taking a really long time to say thank you.

Thank you for the comments, and the emails, and the calls.

I am much much better today.

I found a doctor.

I will keep the appointment. (although I will be really really anxious before I go)

My appointment is in just about a month, which should give me some time to cut dairy out of my diet and lower my cholesterol for the inevitable blood tests that he's going to want to do, since I am seeing a medical doctor, for an actual physical for the first time in, I don't know? 15 years? I think I might have been in grad school.

But regardless, I don't want to have to tell a medical professional that I have serious reservations about the overuse of cholesterol-lowering drugs and the potential negative side effects on your liver, among other things.

I think it could be AWKWARD.

Especially when I ask for a benzodiazapine in the next breath.

I don't want to look like a hypocrite. I just want to save my liver for the important things... like filtering out tranquilizers.

And here is a picture for my husband, who cares about this sort of thing more than I do, Or maybe it's just because I'm lazy...

photo by rycordell.

In a panic

I can't write today.

I've been trying for hours.

I have to find a doctor.

I haven't had a physical in well over a decade.

And well, It has me completely flipped out.

I'm supposed to be getting everything ready for a house-guest and my son's birthday and eighty-million other things that have my head spinning off into the walls.

I took a pill today.

I did.

I am beyond pills.

Still vibrating with panic.

Over what?

Over nothing. and everything.

Everything, I tell you.

Everything I want to do is making me panic.

Visit from a friend? ....panic
Birthday party for the kids?....panic
Family visiting in 2 1/2 weeks? ......panicpanicpanic
green audit of the house?... panic
looking into solar panels?....panic
rewiring lighting fixtures?....panic
scheduling a doctor's visit?....PANIC

Sometimes I feel better, or at least sillier after I put it all down, today I'm just more jumpy.

But in the 2 hours it has taken me to do this, I did schedule 2 doctor's appointments. But they don't count because I'm going to cancel them tomorrow.

Rambling

Thanks for all the ideas and encouragement about Daniel's clothing issues.

I found a stop-gap solution in the sock department, that appears to be working thus far. Joe Boxer socks, if properly stretched before wearing, have been deemed "OK".

I'm still looking into the bike-gear possibility, but the sizing seems to be too big...I'll keep looking.

My husband hasn't mentioned the sewing machine again, but his sister stepped right up and offered to make a pair of pants for Daniel.

I think she's the one person who could make clothing for Daniel that he would actually wear. Those two have a connection that is amazingly deep especially since they don't get to see each other all that often.

____________________

Last night I introduced Daniel to "Everybody Loves Raymond".
It's an interesting show for a kid who doesn't do that well reading social interactions. There are always a few different layers to the interactions, that it can be hard for him to keep it all straight.
I had to keep pausing the show and explaining what was happening. But he likes it because they say hell and ass a lot.

Unfortunately, I can't pause real-life interactions to explain people's motivations or ulterior-motives to him. And the kids are becoming more sophisticated, which puts Daniel at a disadvantage.
I feel like we have to move beyond "Drake and Josh", and start exploring more intricate social shows.
Any suggestions?

Aargh

Today I drove my son to school crying.

Let me back up for a minute.

Yesterday was a wonderful day.
My first day to myself since school started.
I scored some awesome stuff I needed on clearance at Kmart.
And Daniel was calm and happy in the morning and calm and happy and compliant after school.
He even did his homework without flipping out.

It was all so very good.

But here we are now. Today.

Not good.

He woke up screaming because he needed to wear long pants today instead of shorts.
And it just continued.

Four pairs of pants he tried on. Not one was ok . One was too bunchy. Another one too loose. The third one had an elastic that bothered him.

Twenty minutes wasted just on pants. And we hadn't even gotten to the socks, which have been our biggest bone of contention lately.

As you might remember, my rule for clothes for this school year, is:
"if you try it on and tell me it's ok, then you are obligated to wear it without complaint"

Obviously, there will be complaining. But the point is he has to start "dealing" with some of this.

So there were a great many tears this morning. He's wearing the fourth pair of pants and the same socks he wore yesterday. The pants aren't right and half-way to school he told me the shirt was bothering him too.

It makes a mom want to swear like a sailor.

Argh.

On the way to school I told him, "You know, if there were clothes out there that didn't bother you, I would buy them. I don't want you to be upset by your clothes. But I have looked everywhere, and I just don't know what else to do."

He thought I should keep looking.

I will. Of course.

My husband just IM'ed me saying he'd like to buy a sewing machine. His solution is to make Daniel's clothes. I don't even want to touch that one.

But honey, if you want a sewing machine, go for it. Could you make some curtains for me? Insulated, perhaps?

Daniel has a play date after school today. I'm hoping that the clothes issue will fade into the background as the day goes on. I'm hoping that the play date will distract him.

I'm hoping that gradually he will become somewhat desensitized to the seams and the fabric and all of it.

I'm really hoping that something good will come of this, and I'm not just making him miserable.

not a bunny... but still furry

Daniel has taken the bus since he was in Pre-K.

Back then the teachers practically insisted on it, saying that it would make the transition from home to school easier.

Of course this was a special-ed Pre-K so the teachers were given a status very close to God, seeing as they were going to transform our misfit and "differently-abled" children into what would pass for normal by kindergarten.

So Daniel took the bus.

In Kindergarten he was still classified as special-ed so he got his own bus to and from school. A chariot of sorts with a driver and aide at his disposal. It was like a traveling "Daniel Show" complete with cheering section.

Last year he was de-classified so he took the regular school bus. There were some issues.

Some bigger kids picked on him.

Some tearful days getting off the bus.

But Daniel tells me, that the problems with last year's bus were nothing compared to the bus he takes from our new house.

Daniel spends a lot of time in his head beating himself up. Especially where school is involved. So I'm never really sure how much of the torment he is describing is real.

I guess it doesn't really matter does it? It is real to him.

And I've witnessed some of the neighbor kids interact with him. To say that they don't "get" Daniel would be a gross understatement. Plus some of the kids have reached the age where it is all about picking on the oddball.

We are nothing if not odd around here. All three of us.

So I'm going to be ferrying Daniel to and from school now.

I'm been kind of tough on Daniel lately. Expecting him to do more and complain less. Making him deal with some of his sensory issues instead of accommodating him. And yesterday he was pretty fragile.

It wasn't until bedtime that he explained to me (crying and sniffling and using an entire box of tissues  - Hooray! milestone! He is blowing his nose at 7 1/2!) that I understood why he was not able to deal with things.

The good news... he's only been on the bus a handful of times so far this year.

But I wonder, will his absence make him more of a target on those occasions when he has to ride the bus?

hang up the phone

My brakes work.

I can't tell you how happy I am to be able to say that.

And to the old lady in the Yukon crossing Orange Rd without looking both ways because you were on the PHONE...!

"Honey, if you're going to be like that then at least step on the gas. That way you'll only get almost hit in the back end instead of the driver's side door."

I had a post I was going to write today about the last day of summer vacation and second grade and all that, but I'm shaking uncontrollably, so....

maybe later.

I just got back from buying a living room set from Ikea that was even cheaper than their usual cheap furniture. I'll let you know later if it was a GOOD DEAL or a COLOSSAL MISTAKE.

But now I'm going to have living room furniture that matches, instead of the motley bunch chairs et al we have been living with.

* I was going to post a picture, but all I could find were photos of horrific accidents caused by people on cell phones. I'm going to spare you the images that I just burned into my brain.... next post will have a happy happy little picture... of... a bunny!