No picture today, because how can you express "I hate my mother" with a picture?

Monday was my birthday, so we did what any 18 38 year old does in New Jersey...we went to Six Flags!

Actually Six Flags is a good amusement park for me because it has lots of roller coasters so I can completely ignore all the spinning rides.

I can't really write more than that right now, because I've been in one long gut-wrenching panic attack since yesterday morning. I don't dare use any of my borrowed pharmaceuticals, because I will need them shortly since Daniel and I are going up to spend time with my family.

Hence the panic attack.

I'm having heart palpitations as I write this and waffling between feeling like I'm going to faint or throw up. Head feeling all float-y like a dissociative state is coming on.

I don't think I'm exaggerating to say that I'm terrified of being alone with my mother right now.

(Hmm, clearly I've hit on something there because I started to cry as I wrote those words.)

You might remember that I recently told her that I could not/ would not take some furniture from her. Expressing my own wants/needs/desires with her never goes well. Well, now she gets me for 5 days without my husband to run interference and 3 days when my dad won't be there either to temper her slightly.

I just know payback is on its way.

And yes, intellectually I realize that I'm a grown-up now and I'm not under her control.

But seriously? She created all those buttons I have that she likes to push. I am her finest creation.

Yesterday, I felt so sick all day, and then I got so tired, like I had the flu. But I'm only sick in the head.

God, how stupid is this that I am physically ill FIVE days before I have to go see my parents?! I hate hating them. But I do. I hate them. I don't want to see them.

There, I said it.

I'm really glad none of you can see me blubbering at the computer right now. Bird on my shoulder, son downstairs playing with legos.

I don't know what to do except to just push through it. I'm not going to stop contact.

Oh shit, his lego creation broke. Let me leave my blubbering self behind and go be a Mom.

Comments

[jcmerritt]

Oh, boy! She would still do all her things even though Daniel is there? Just reading your post made me scared. Hang in there.

[Maddy]

Let us just say, that we have returned from England. In one year, I shall repeat the exercise. I do not envy you one little bit and I have nothing helpful to say either......sorry.

[Maddy]

Actually I've changed my mind. I do have something helpful to say. Someone I know [a nameless person] started taking happy pills [bear with me I'm foreign and I have idea what they are called] It has made a remarkable difference to someone's mood.

So my advice is buy happy pills and slip them in her coffee every morning.

Always willing to spread a little happiness when I can.
Cheers

[Liesel Elliott]

Maddy, really? Happy pills for her? I was going to take them MYSELF. I have carefully counted out what I have and there's just enough to get me through. I had never thought to give them to her.... hmmm.